Still Searching...

...for faithfullness

2009-08-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

Oy...I can't believe it's been eight months since I've posted something, as if nothing has happened since then.
So much has changed, in my life and in the world I live in. At the moment I'm single, unemployed, and living with my parents. I'm not taking any classes this semester. I'm no longer in counseling, nor am I pursuing it. Meanwhile, most of my friends have either gotten married or gone off to school. I'm tempted to whine and complain, I'm tempted to despair over how hopeless my situation seems. Fortunately, I serve a God who never changes; indeed, He is faithful to the end.

He doesn't see this time as a waste, but as an opportunity to grow and to serve. For example, last week God used me to help a friend move his parents to Tennessee; and while it may have been a relatively short trip it was so satisfying to help such Godly people iin their time of need. As if that wasn't enough He even used the twenty hour drive (and my ipod) as an means to study His Word and sing praises to his name. Tonight I got to further that by attending a concert by Hillsong United, one of my all time favorite worship bands. It was amazing...incredible...magical, even. Seeing so many believers gathered in one place, pouring themselves out to God made my heart tremble. It's probably the closest I'll get to heaven while I'm still alive and breathing. As if that wasn't enough, so many gave their lives to Christ tonight...including the girl sitting next to me. For the remainder of the night I had to fight the urge to wrap her up in a great big hug.

I'm not trying to plug Hillsong but express my admiration and appreciation for our God, who is truly greater than anything the world has to offer. Experiencing Him is like experiencing the world's greatest high...I don't know why anybody does drugs with a God as fullfilling as He.

Of course, it won't always be this wonderful. I can only hope that when the storms hit I will be as faithful as He. My prayer is that I will embrace this time off and continue looking for opportunities to glorify God. These changes (any changes for that matter), while intimidating, can lead to so much good for the Kingdom...and isn't that why we're here? I need to stop focusing on what I've only seemed to have lost and start exploring the options God has been kind enough to give me.

It really is an honor to serve you, Lord. Thank you.

...for God only knows

2008-12-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

I want to start off by thanking everyone who responded to my last post; your prayers, your support and your guidance probably saved my life.
I wish I could say I'm all better now, but I'm afraid it's not that easy. It never is, but I've still got a lot bitterness and resentment I need to work through.
...I really thought coming to DBU would be different. When I visited during the summer I thought this school would be a perfect fit for me, that it would be the answer to all my prayers. Needless to say, when I finally arrived I came in with these huge expectations, and when they weren't met I took it really hard. It sounds stupid and weak I know, but one can only take so much disappointment before they fall apart.
Whatever, I don't want to get into another rant about my problems. I just want to say I'm still fighting-even if I don't know why, I'm still healing, and I'm still searching.
Thank you all and God bless.

...for a reason to keep searching

2008-10-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm angry. More than anything I just want to throw in the towel and give up.
This past week has been a nightmare, even more so because I flat out refuse to turn to the one who can make it all better. Instead, I've relied on myself to endure these difficult times...and, because of my stubbornness, in just a few days I've managed to undo all the good God has done in my heart, my mind, and my life as a whole.
More than anything I want to fall in His arms and let Him carry me home, but I can't. At least, I won't untill I know for sure that I'll be ok. Even though it's selfish and arrogant of me to want this, I need some assurance that things are going to get better and that I won't always be like this. When I say assurance I mean more than just another promise, but actual divine intervention. I need God to act...NOW.
Will He? Probably not, and I realize He can't unless I continue seeking Him. So...no more skipping classes and church, no more avoiding other Christians, and no more refusing to pray.
But like I said, I've already fallen pretty hard. It would be easier to give up then to start all over again...but I guess I don't really have a choice. Even if I'm mad at God, I still love Him; and at this point shutting Him out isn't even a possibility.
Oh well, maybe He'll actually come through for me this time. Maybe.

...for my "inner circle"

2008-07-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

The apostle John, who is referred to as "the one whom Jesus loved."

John, James, and Peter. The three disciples who were chosen to witness Jesus' transfiguration.

The Twelve Disciples who followed Jesus for over three years

The 70 Disciples Jesus called to spread His message in the book of Luke.

The 5,000+ men, women, and children Jesus fed with just five loaves of bread and two fish.

Throughout His life Jesus demonstrates a model of how we are to operate in our relationships, separated into these five circles consisting of His friends and followers.

Upon examining this model I was filled with sadness and regret over my own relationships, because I wasn't able to place anyone in my "inner circle." As much as I've longed and prayed for a best friend, I haven't had one since I was six.

Not only that, but when I looked at my other friendships I saw how weak they were in comparison to my Lord's. He reached out to everyone He met. He loved them, He helped them, and He gave everything He had for them even though they certainly didn't deserve it.

I realized that my negative attitude, my competitive spirit, and my apathetic nature have turned off many who've tried to reach out to me, and burden those kind enough to stick around.

But that's going to change.

This week I have taken steps which may seem small right now, but I'm confident will build toward something more. Pray that God would continue to impress this on me so I don't grow tired and give up.

...for quality

2008-05-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

Even though my blog has long been forgotten, I will continue to write because, if anything, it gives me the chance to open up and be completely honest about myself...something I can't seem to do out there in the real world.
I'll admit, I've been more open these past few months than ever before; but the truth is I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on with me. I've shared bits and pieces with those closest to me, but I have yet to find someone I can share everything with.
I hate it. I hate lying to everyone and I hate forcing myself to hold back whenever someone asks me how I'm doing.
But it's not just about sharing my deep, dark secrets. Among other things, I long to tell my friends and family just how much they mean to me. I love them, more than they know, but can't bring myself to tell them. What's worse is they start to think I don't care and pull back. They move on and forget about it, and I'm left kicking myself, wondering what might have been had I not been such a coward.
This has become more evident now that I'm leaving UTA and La Madeline. I made a lot of friends in Arlington, but I fear none of these friendships will last because I couldn't be honest about how I felt about them. They probably thought I was bored, when the truth is my heart leapt in my chest every time I saw them.
I want my time at DBU to be different. Even though I'm thankful for everyone I met, I desire quality in my relationships...not quantity. I'd rather have one person I trusted with everything then 100 "friends" who were only familiar with the mask I hide behind. Pray that I find that.
What about God? Does He know how much I love Him? Do any of you? Even though our relationship is between me and Him do I at least act like I love Him? Either way, pray it would be seen more clearly.

...for faith

2008-04-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

I consider this an extention to my last post, because it all seems to relate to my inability to stop analyzing ever single aspect of my life.
Before, I applied it to forgiveness and wondered if it was possible to give it without thinking of a reason or an excuse. Now, I'm applying it to my faith in God as a whole.
Is it possible to trust God completely?
For others...yes. I've seen it. For me...I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it resulted from a desire to know or define myself, but at some point I started analyzing every facet of my life, my motives, my relationships, etc. I would tear these things apart, examine every detail untill I could find a reason for it all. So far God has been willing to bless me with understanding for why/how a lot of things have happened, but I fear this has ultimately hurt my relationship with Him. It has prevented me from trusting in Him, to the point where I have to talk myself into fullfilling His will as I know it from studying His Word. I have to outweigh the good and the bad, consider every possible option before I'm finally willing to act on what I know. And if I feel called or led by God to do something I don't understand I panic and try to make a run for it. While I'm running, I convince myself it's just me being an idiot and not really from God, and try to forget it ever happened.
To this I say: ENOUGH!
How can I serve God and witness to others if I let my fears and compulsions rule me? How can I "speak in other tongues" and "heal the sick" if I have to explain it? God exists and works outside my realm of understanding, I need to accept that and just trust Him.
For the two or three people who still read this, please pray that I let go and submit my mind and my understanding to God.

...for compassion

2008-04-05T22:27:00.001-07:00

For once, I'm writing because I seek the answer to a question:
how do we know if/when we have truly forgiven someone?

Lately I've found myself constantly defending other people's behavior to my friends, family, and co-workers. I make excuses, saying that there's more going on than meets the eye and we should respect that. I tell my co-workers that a rude employee is probably having a rough day. I tell my sister that our stubborn father had a difficult childhood. Hell, once I even tried to be objective about a group of self proclaimed Christians who think the war in Iraq is punishment for the spread of homosexuality in America.

At first I thought I was doing what Jesus did, I thought I was showing these people love and mercy by standing up for them. But then I think about how Jesus interacted with the sinners he helped/healed/ministered to/etc. and I wonder if that's really what I'm doing. Jesus didn't try to explain away their behavior, He simply forgave them. He knew of their sins and He loved them regardless, while I have to come up with an excuse.

I think I've been taking the easy way out: giving myself a reason to forgive when there really isn't one...except, of course, to honor God's command that we should love one another as we love ourselves.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God didn't argue with Satan and try to place all the blame on him. He acknowledged their sins, just as he acknowledges all of ours...but he loves us just the same. So much that He provided a solution in His son, whose death on the cross wiped the slate clean. We are now holy in God's eyes, so He doesn't have to argue when we sin. We're simply forgiven.

I want to be able to forgive and forget, to let go of all the crap other people put me and my loved ones through. But to do this I've always needed a reason...even if it isn't necessarily true. When I don't or can't think of one, I get frustrated and let my anger eat away at my insides.

Is it even possible to truly forgive someone? If so, what does it look like? Do we actually have to forget in order to forgive someone, or can we remember and simply find a way to let it go?

Any thoughts?

...for fear

2008-03-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

I know this may sound strange, but according to Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge”

We all desire wisdom and understanding, but how many of us actually find it? How can we when “it is hidden from the eye of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air?" Fortunately, “God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells.”
He was even willing to give us a place to start in Job chapter 28, which says “the fear of the Lord-that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.”
Reading this, I couldn’t help but picture several people, all believers, reminding me that God is love and that He promises to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. In short, there’s no reason for us to fear Him because we’ve been saved.
If only it were that simple.
Don't get me wrong, God does love us...more than we can possibly imagine. But whether we like to admit or not, God is also just. It’s not that He enjoys punishing us, but He must because He is holy and can’t settle for anything less in us. Ultimately, unbelievers will be condemned and believers will be held accountable for their actions.
Acts 5 “Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostle’s feet.” Peter knew, of course, and he called him on it, saying “You have not lied to men but to God. When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died,” and later on, so did his wife. After this “great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
Even though there are moments like this located throughout the Old Testament, many disregard them because “everything changed” when Jesus died on the cross. Granted, they did, but this event occurred in the New Testament to two members of the church. They made one mistake, and lost their lives because of it.
Obviously, God isn't in the habit of striking us dead, but when I heard this story I immediately thought of all the believers who have come under fire for some sin they’ve committed. You know the ones I’m talking about; in fact it’s become a frequent joke that priests are caught with either dead girls or live boys.
Every time I heard about a pastor taking money from the church or a conservative politician soliciting sex from a bathroom stall I cried out to God, asking why He would allow such a thing to happen. But I wasn’t thinking about the perpetrators or their victims, I was always thinking about my dad; I was thinking about unbelievers all over the world and how something like this would just turn them further away from God.
But this isn’t about my dad, or about unbelievers for that matter. It’s about us, the body of Christ.
A couple years ago I overheard a boy “ministering” to a friend of his, telling Him that being a Christian is great because it gives you the freedom to do whatever you want consequence free. You could murder someone and still go to heaven when you die.
God can’t allow us to go on thinking this way, believing our actions have no consequence. He has to discipline us in order to help us; and we need to hold onto that truth so that we’re less inclined to sin. Also, it helps us to be better witnesses to the lost, because it gives them a real example of what the glory of God looks like.
I know we can't be perfect, and I know God will love us regardless of what sins we commit. But if we're doing something that hurts or offends God He will make it known in time.
So “fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8

I know I too am guilty of taking advantage of the Lord’s kindness, and I pray He would give me this fear so that I may show wisdom in the choices that I make.

...for humility

2008-02-27T13:43:00.000-08:00

"For if God's name is I AM, (my) name must be I am not.
I am not the center of everything.
I am not in control.
I am not the solution.
I am not all-powerful.
I am not callng the shots.
I am not the owner of anything.
I am not the Lord"
-i am not but i know who I AM

We're selfish by nature. We want the story to focus on us, we seek to make our lives and our actions about us. But who are we?
We examine God's Word and look for anything that applies to our lives and our situations, we try to make the gospel about us.
We pray to God and ask Him to meet our needs, we focus on making our time with God about us. But who are we?
We didn't create the heavens and the earth, we we're even there when it happened. Notice, man came after God had already established the world and everything in it. As for you and me personally... we were simply items on God's To Do list.
The attention and the glory of it all so obviously belong to Him yet we continue to take it for ouselves. Why?

I got this book at Passions, and now I can't stop asking myself why I seek to make it all about me. So far, I haven't been able to come up with a decent answer. There's really no excuse for my ego. It's God story, His show...I'm merely a supporting player. It's been a humbling experience to say the least.
Now I wonder "how can I make this life about Him."

...for prayer

2008-02-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

"Is there anything I can pray for you about?"
People have been asking me that question for years, but I don't think I've ever given them an honest answer. I would ask them to pray for school, for work, for a closer walk with the Lord...and even though I do need prayer in these areas, there is so much more going on in my life right now.
What kills me the most is that the people I know and love don't have a clue. Hell, I've been called normal so many times I feel like I should jump off a building just to show them how wrong they are.

Tonight someone I barely knew asked how they could pray for me. Nothing new, but when I stepped back I realized something: this person could see through my act, they can sense the pain in my voice and they want to help...either that or it really has become more obvious. Either way I actually had to fight to keep from breaking down right then and there.

My life isn't even that bad when you compare it to the ones you hear about on the news or at school. Deep down, I know I'm blessed to be who I am where I am.
Of course, then I start to think about everyone I know who's sick or struggling and my heart just breaks for them. More than anything I want to help them, to take their pain away so they can enjoy the life God has given them. But I can't or I don't and then...
I hate feeling so powerless.
I'm trying to give it to God and trust that He will help, heal, encourage, provide, and protect those who serve Him but it's difficult when, at the same time, He promises we will face trials and tribulations.
One verse that keeps coming to mind is Acts 17:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
With that said, all I really can do is pray and hope-
pray for my mother, my father, both my sisters and their friends, my future brother-in-law, my grandparents, Kyle, Taryn, Chao, Chad's father, Cameron, Shannon and her friends, Blake's family, Joanna, Saralynn, Stephen, John, Greg, the Millers, the Bartons, the people I work with, the people in my philosophy class, all my aunts, uncles, and cousins...to name a few.
pray for my struggles with school, work, money, my car, peer pressure, my capacity to forgive, my selfish nature, lust, depression, my fear of rejection/failure, loneliness, and my trust in the Lord...to name a few
pray for the world
pray for Jesus to return soon
...or at least pray that the writer's strike would end so I'd have something to take my mind off all these things

...for courage

2008-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, but I haven't given up just yet.
That seems to be my motto these days. Everything that's been troubling me over the years is finally coming to the surface, and by the grace of God I'm actually learning to deal with them. It hasn't been easy, I've cried more times than I would care to admit, but I'm finally starting to see some of the changes that the Bible talks about once you've surrendered yourself to Christ.
As of right now my greatest concern is my fear of being mocked or rejected for being open about what I believe. I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer ashamed to let people know that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, but whenever I'm faced with questions I tend to freeze up. Even though I'm very active in church and bible study groups, I never invite anyone to come along. While I know how to counter most arguments against God, I tend to shy away when one comes up and just let them continue mocking the God I love. This morning my philosphy professor spent most of the class pointing out "flaws" in our beliefs, and instead of defending myself I kept my mouth shut. I feel so guilty about letting all these opportunities pass me by, especially when I continue to ask God for them.
God has a plan for me, I believe that. So why do I run from it? Why do I rebel against it?
I wish I wouldn't, I pray that God will help me overcome these obstacles so that He can use me, so I can help the people He's put in my life, and so He would be glorified. Pray with me.

...for real change

2007-09-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I posted the following on my blog:
For the past few months, I’ve heard several people toss around the phrase “life changing” to describe certain opportunities to understand and serve God…the most obvious being my trip to Guatemala. They claim that these experiences will completely alter our perspectives on who we are and who God is. I used to believe this was possible, and sought after it as often as I could…and each time I did I was met with failure. Now, I’m skeptical of anything that claims to have that power; I’m not even sure I buy the infamous transformation that takes place when one accepts Jesus as their savior. Maybe it’s because I’ve been a Christian all my life and, thus, never experienced it for myself, but I just don’t think it’s possible. At least not overnight.
I don’t doubt in God’s power or His love for us; I know that if He wants us to know Him, He will find a way to reveal Himself to us. I’m just saying that relationships take time to mature; and God may already know who we are and love us, but we need time to do the same. Wouldn’t it be an insult to God if we didn’t?
Who we are today is based on years of experiences, one event isn’t going to erase all that…at least no good event. In my experience, it takes a lot more effort to change for the better than for the worse; I guess it’s because evil is so dominate in this world. When one tries to become…say, more like Christ, it’s difficult because we aren’t used to that kind of life. We’re used to sin. Sure, we may start off well enough; but the second things start to become difficult, we struggle…and that’s just the beginning.
As for Guatemala…I don’t regret going. It was an amazing trip and I’m glad I was able to help, but could those people, who’ve committed their whole lives to following their own culture and traditions, so easily turn to Christ after just a few hours of conversation?
Hence why my world wasn’t turned upside down upon my return, if anything I think it might have put some distance between me and God because we were placing more emphasis on building the stoves and shopping than evangelizing.
Kurt Cameron is in town and will be hosting a seminar this weekend. His plug: it will be a life changing experience. He acknowledges that this has been said a lot, but that this will be different. Then again, aren’t they all?
Maybe it’s me; maybe I’m too enamored with the world and with my own sin to have a genuine life changing experience. Maybe I need to find a more diverse group of Christians, one who has experienced said change. Or maybe instead of looking for that one thing that will revolutionize my relationship with God, focus on the little things that will slowly (ugh) but surely bring me closer to Him.
I don't want this post to discourage anyone, I'm just getting really tired of hearing people say that. Feel free to prove me wrong; but untill then I ask that God would grant us all patience, because as much as we’d prefer a “quick fix,” the world simply doesn’t work that way.
When I woke up this morning I still believed this, that it wasn't possible for someone to experience real change. And God saw this, He sensed my doubt and rather than let it pass He decided to do something about it. So tonight, as I attended a bible study here in Arlington God...He healed me. Rest assured, I wasn't sick or injured in any way. But...for the longest time it seemed like there was a battle waging inside my head. I would hear voices telling me that I wasn't good enough and that I never would be, voices contradicting me and never letting me go one minute without reminding myself how much of a failure I was. Call them my inner demons I suppose, or my low self-esteem; either way I was losing it. I almost killed myself because of it. But tonight, when I decided to stop fighting and give it all to God, it actually happened. At first I didn't know what happened; I just remember it getting really quiet. Then I realized: those voices that have plagued me over the years, that pain I'd been holding onto was gone. It was like someone had just flipped a switch. To be honest it's...really weird; but at the same time it's such a relief. To have that peace, that confidence for me is a miracle.
God is alive and active in each of our lives, He is constantly changing us from who we are into someone we never thought we could be. Believe it. Believe in Him, and you'll be surprised at what He accomplishes through you.
I kept the bolded portion so you could see the before and after, and know that I didn't just make this up on the spot. Although I kind of went off topic near the end, you hopefully get what I'm saying: that God proved me wrong, and that I'm so glad He did. Praise God!

...for a tux

2007-08-02T15:11:00.001-07:00

My older sister, Amy, is engaged!

Praise God!

...for reason

2007-07-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I was watching a makeshift video for Casting Crown's "I'll Praise You in this Storm" (great song by the way) and underneath was a note from someone who found it by mistake, but was so moved by the video that he began rethinking his life and started going to church. Over time He began to see the truth and has now put His faith in Christ. Although I can't say for sure why henderlovesjuesus posted this video, I doubt he thought that something like this would happen.
I just thought this was so amazing, that God was able to use something that seemed so small and insignificant to bring glory to His name.

The song itself is very powerful as it reminds us to look to Jesus, to praise Him even if things aren't working out the way we hoped they would. I've struggled with this my whole life, as I taught myself early on to block everything out until the problem blows over.

But what if it didn't just blow over, what if the problem stuck with you and refused to let go until you did something about it?

Now I'm learning to turn to Jesus, which isn't easy but has helped me come to some much needed closure regarding certain aspects of my life. I've even begun to praise God for some of them, as I realize how all this fits in with my growth and development.

Looking back I see how these situations have helped me, but after reading that post I wonder if they have helped anyone else. It's certainly possible, we've all seen God do it one way or another. It's like that saying "in China, whenever a butterfly beats its wings it creates a tornado here in the US" (or something like it); only it's more than just a plot for some lame time-travel movie.

This post seems to be going all over the place, so I'll just say God Bless and call it a night. But before I do, please pray that VBS would have the same impact on the children there.

...for some sympathy

2007-06-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

I know I'm going to sound like a total hypocrite (especially after that last post); but lately it's been getting harder for me to forgive others for the atrocities they've committed.

On Friday, a church in Saginaw was vandalized; and had it not been for the timely arrival of the fire department it probably would have burned to the ground. It turns out that someone deliberately set the church ablaze, and that they also took the time to turn all the crosses upside down (I'm sure you know what that means), sacrifice an animal, and ensure that the pulpit was the first to go up in flames.

The story hit the news not too long ago, and I'm still reeling. Why anyone would do this, why anyone would desecrate a place considered sacred to so many is beyond me. I know this isn't the first time something like this has happened (or the last), but you would think that people would have learned by now.

Although they've suffered a blow, the congregation remains hopeful; and so should we. But please pray that the church will be able to recover and rebuild, and that the people responsible will be caught.

While you're praying for them, why not mention the flood victims in North Texas, the wildfire survivors in Alaska, and, of course, our soldiers fighting in Iraq. Also, there's the train wreck that is my family; if you could pray that we get through the next couple of weeks I'd really appreciate it.

I hate to do this, but this week really sucked. It's bad enough we have men murdering their families and faulty equipment leaving 13 year old girls without any feet to stand on (literally), but now it seems Mother Nature has turned against us (when it's flooding in Texas during the summer you know there's a problem). Is this supposed to be a test of our faith, or punishment for our actions? Either way, God help us.

...for the answers

2007-06-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I have been getting mixed messages from my family, my friends, and from certain "authority figures" on how/if I should continue to pursue my relationship with God. Some tell me that I expect too much of myself, of all of us, and that I should back off. Some say that I haven't done enough, and that I should try harder if I'm really want to serve God. Personally, I believe that I'm far from what God expects me to be, and that I need to start getting serious if I want my life and my relationship with Him to change. So why do people, why do other Christians give me such a hard time for attempting to do this? Yes, I know I'm not perfect and that I'll never be perfect no matter what I do; but that shouldn't stop me from trying to do what God's asked. And if it wasn't at least possible to follow God's commandments, then why would He give them to us in the first place?

I'm not talking about giving away everything I own or moving half-way across the world to serve in some third world country (although that is a possibility), I'm simply talking about applying Jesus' teaching to my everyday life. Even more than that, I'm talking about following the Bible word for word, and not just pick and choose what I want to do. I know there are a lot of "grey areas" in the Bible, and in those cases it would be a judgment call; but now people consider every aspect a "grey area" because the world has changed so much since the Bible was first written. But God wouldn't have kept His Word alive or let us live this long if the Bible was in danger of becoming outdated, so doesn't that mean that it's still applicable in this day and age?

If so, then what do we do? I've learned that we're supposed to love each other, and forgive one another no matter what, that we should be more cautious about how we choose to live, and, most of all, that we should continue to rely on God for our every need. But I know a lot of believers who refuse to do this because it's hard or inconvenient for them to fully commit. I know...I used to be one of them; even now there are things I'm hesitant to do but have tried to be more open towards. Why? Because the Bible says to "seek God with all our hearts, all our minds, and all our strength." I'm not saying that if I don't go to church every week or pray every night I'm going to hell; but how can I say I love the Lord if I choose to ignore Him? Besides, isn't it easier to forgive someone who's wronged you than to waste time and energy carrying a grudge, and would it really kill you to put some money in the collection plate?

Or, is it too much? Is it foolish for me to try so hard to keep the Lord's commandments? Am I being too conservative or too strict? When I look over what I just wrote, I realize how insane I sound (I mean...wow, I think I'll erase this before anyone sees what a nut I am); so will someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do. Because, barring any accidents or the apocalypse, it looks like I'm going to be here for a while.

...for confirmation

2007-04-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Moment of Truth

No one is here to tell me what to say or to think. Hardly anyone is going to read this. It’s just me, so there is no need to lie or exaggerate. So, here goes:

Why am I a Christian?

Honestly, I don’t know. Obviously, God wanted me to become one, to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and ask for His forgiveness. But why did I do it? How did I come to the conclusion that I needed to be saved and that Jesus was the only one who could do it? I was just a kid. I didn’t know who He was or what He wanted, and I still don’t (not entirely). Was it my mother? Did I feel obligated to please her, or was God already working in my heart? Again, I was just a kid. I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t care because I was too wrapped up in myself. Fifteen years later, nothing has changed. I'm still the same self-centered person I always was. The only difference is: now I’m old enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong, so I can no longer try to justify or excuse my behavior. When I first realized I was a sinner I wanted to ignore it, and for years I tried to hide but never could. God wouldn’t allow it. He showed me that the only thing I could do was take responsibility for my actions, but I was so afraid of how my parents would react that I refused to say anything to them. So, when I was twelve years old I turned to God, confident that He would forgive me and love me regardless of what I’ve done. For years, that was all I needed; so I didn’t bother pursuing God any further because knowing I was saved was enough. I continued to live in sin, and even though I knew in my gut that what I was doing was wrong I didn’t try to stop. I didn’t want to stop. It was all I had. Even though I was embarrassed, mortified even by the things I was doing, I couldn’t give it up because for a split second it made me feel...whole. Over time I realized that Satan had lied to me, tricked me so he could seize control of my mind and body. I was completely at his mercy and I hated it. I wanted out and so, once again, I turned to God. But my old standards weren’t enough this time, God demanded more and after fighting it for a while I finally agreed to do it His way. I started reading His word and, more importantly, I sought ways to apply it to my life. It hasn’t been easy. To this day I continue to stumble and fall, but I press on because now I understand how important it is.

So what do I believe?
I believe that there is one God and that He is responsible for the creation of the universe and everyone in it. I believe that He is all powerful and all knowing, but despite His incredible might He possesses a love for us that surpasses all understanding. He loves us so much that when humanity was infected with sin He took action by sending His one and only son to save us. Jesus, the Messiah who was perfect from birth, endured a horrific death so that the debt would be paid and we would be set free. I believe that when one forges a relationship with Jesus they are able to accept this and turn from their sins so they can live to glorify God.

Why, because over the past 19 years God has revealed it to me through the teachings in His Word and the experiences in my own life. I’ve seen how powerful and how influential God is; I’ve witnessed His glory firsthand. But, most of all, it’s because He’s shown me mercy when I didn’t deserve it and love when I didn’t believe in it. He’s my teacher, my brother, and my best friend. How can I deny Him my complete love and devotion when He has given it to me? Although it was forced at first, now I want to serve Him. I want to make God proud. Also, I believe because I have to. Without God, my life has no purpose and no direction because I've been corrupted by sin. Without God, I’m a slave to Satan and subject to his will. He’s already ruined my life; I don’t want him to ruin my afterlife as well.

Am I right? I don’t know. Is it real? I hope so. Lately, people have challenged what I believe and why, so I needed to sit down and figure it out for myself. I should have done it a long time ago, but better late than never.

So where do I go from here? Obviously, I continue to seek God so I may grow in my faith and as a person. I continue so that my life may bring glory to God.

Wish me luck.

...for hope

2007-04-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

For months I've struggled to come up with something worthy to write about; and even though I would rather post something a little more cheerful, at this point I'm too frustrated to care.
Why? We all heard what happened at Virginia Tech, but any immediate news coverage of the tragedy was focused more on the psychopath that killed them or the authority figures who "let it happen" (their rationale, not mine) than on the men, women, and children who lost their lives that day.
Although I didn't know anyone who was caught in the crossfire, that didn't make it any less real for me. These people deserve to be remembered. I know this may not make it on the front page of USA Today but I hope those who read this will see just what it is we lost: children who had their whole lives ahead of them, souls that had yet to witness the glory of God, heroes who were overthrown by the forces of evil, one of us.
So, in memory:
Ross Alameddine / G.V. Loganathan
Jamie Bishop / Partahi Lumbantoruan
Brian Bluhm / Daniel O'Neil
Ryan Clark / Juan Ortiz
Austin Cloyd / Minal Panchal
Jocelyne Couture-Nowak / Erin Peterson
Daniel Perez Cueva / Michael Pohle Jr.
Kevin Granata / Julia Pryde
Matthew Gwaltney / Mary Karen Read
Caitlin Hammaren / Reema Samaha
Jeremy Herbstritt / Waaleed Shaalan
Rachael Hill / Leslie Sherman
Emily Hilscher / Maxine Turner
Jarrett Lane / Nicole White
Matthew La Porte / Lauren McCain
Henry Lee
Liviu Librescu, a teacher, was willing to hold the door to his classroom shut while his students escaped.

Also, I would also like to lift up fellow LH '06 graduate Greg Rossiter, who died in a car accident last Thursday. He went to UNT and was close friends with Melissa and her boyfriend, Kyle so please pray for them.

Lord, I ask that your grace would extend to the families and friends of those who died so that they will find comfort during this difficult time. Help them to seek you, to lean on you so that they can find peace with what happened and start putting their lives back together.
Rest in peace my friends.
Amen.