...for a reason to keep searching

I'm tired. I'm angry. More than anything I just want to throw in the towel and give up.
This past week has been a nightmare, even more so because I flat out refuse to turn to the one who can make it all better. Instead, I've relied on myself to endure these difficult times...and, because of my stubbornness, in just a few days I've managed to undo all the good God has done in my heart, my mind, and my life as a whole.
More than anything I want to fall in His arms and let Him carry me home, but I can't. At least, I won't untill I know for sure that I'll be ok. Even though it's selfish and arrogant of me to want this, I need some assurance that things are going to get better and that I won't always be like this. When I say assurance I mean more than just another promise, but actual divine intervention. I need God to act...NOW.
Will He? Probably not, and I realize He can't unless I continue seeking Him. So...no more skipping classes and church, no more avoiding other Christians, and no more refusing to pray.
But like I said, I've already fallen pretty hard. It would be easier to give up then to start all over again...but I guess I don't really have a choice. Even if I'm mad at God, I still love Him; and at this point shutting Him out isn't even a possibility.
Oh well, maybe He'll actually come through for me this time. Maybe.