...for faithfullness

Oy...I can't believe it's been eight months since I've posted something, as if nothing has happened since then.
So much has changed, in my life and in the world I live in. At the moment I'm single, unemployed, and living with my parents. I'm not taking any classes this semester. I'm no longer in counseling, nor am I pursuing it. Meanwhile, most of my friends have either gotten married or gone off to school. I'm tempted to whine and complain, I'm tempted to despair over how hopeless my situation seems. Fortunately, I serve a God who never changes; indeed, He is faithful to the end.

He doesn't see this time as a waste, but as an opportunity to grow and to serve. For example, last week God used me to help a friend move his parents to Tennessee; and while it may have been a relatively short trip it was so satisfying to help such Godly people iin their time of need. As if that wasn't enough He even used the twenty hour drive (and my ipod) as an means to study His Word and sing praises to his name. Tonight I got to further that by attending a concert by Hillsong United, one of my all time favorite worship bands. It was amazing...incredible...magical, even. Seeing so many believers gathered in one place, pouring themselves out to God made my heart tremble. It's probably the closest I'll get to heaven while I'm still alive and breathing. As if that wasn't enough, so many gave their lives to Christ tonight...including the girl sitting next to me. For the remainder of the night I had to fight the urge to wrap her up in a great big hug.

I'm not trying to plug Hillsong but express my admiration and appreciation for our God, who is truly greater than anything the world has to offer. Experiencing Him is like experiencing the world's greatest high...I don't know why anybody does drugs with a God as fullfilling as He.

Of course, it won't always be this wonderful. I can only hope that when the storms hit I will be as faithful as He. My prayer is that I will embrace this time off and continue looking for opportunities to glorify God. These changes (any changes for that matter), while intimidating, can lead to so much good for the Kingdom...and isn't that why we're here? I need to stop focusing on what I've only seemed to have lost and start exploring the options God has been kind enough to give me.

It really is an honor to serve you, Lord. Thank you.

...for God only knows

I want to start off by thanking everyone who responded to my last post; your prayers, your support and your guidance probably saved my life.
I wish I could say I'm all better now, but I'm afraid it's not that easy. It never is, but I've still got a lot bitterness and resentment I need to work through.
...I really thought coming to DBU would be different. When I visited during the summer I thought this school would be a perfect fit for me, that it would be the answer to all my prayers. Needless to say, when I finally arrived I came in with these huge expectations, and when they weren't met I took it really hard. It sounds stupid and weak I know, but one can only take so much disappointment before they fall apart.
Whatever, I don't want to get into another rant about my problems. I just want to say I'm still fighting-even if I don't know why, I'm still healing, and I'm still searching.
Thank you all and God bless.

...for a reason to keep searching

I'm tired. I'm angry. More than anything I just want to throw in the towel and give up.
This past week has been a nightmare, even more so because I flat out refuse to turn to the one who can make it all better. Instead, I've relied on myself to endure these difficult times...and, because of my stubbornness, in just a few days I've managed to undo all the good God has done in my heart, my mind, and my life as a whole.
More than anything I want to fall in His arms and let Him carry me home, but I can't. At least, I won't untill I know for sure that I'll be ok. Even though it's selfish and arrogant of me to want this, I need some assurance that things are going to get better and that I won't always be like this. When I say assurance I mean more than just another promise, but actual divine intervention. I need God to act...NOW.
Will He? Probably not, and I realize He can't unless I continue seeking Him. So...no more skipping classes and church, no more avoiding other Christians, and no more refusing to pray.
But like I said, I've already fallen pretty hard. It would be easier to give up then to start all over again...but I guess I don't really have a choice. Even if I'm mad at God, I still love Him; and at this point shutting Him out isn't even a possibility.
Oh well, maybe He'll actually come through for me this time. Maybe.

...for my "inner circle"

The apostle John, who is referred to as "the one whom Jesus loved."

John, James, and Peter. The three disciples who were chosen to witness Jesus' transfiguration.

The Twelve Disciples who followed Jesus for over three years

The 70 Disciples Jesus called to spread His message in the book of Luke.

The 5,000+ men, women, and children Jesus fed with just five loaves of bread and two fish.

Throughout His life Jesus demonstrates a model of how we are to operate in our relationships, separated into these five circles consisting of His friends and followers.

Upon examining this model I was filled with sadness and regret over my own relationships, because I wasn't able to place anyone in my "inner circle." As much as I've longed and prayed for a best friend, I haven't had one since I was six.

Not only that, but when I looked at my other friendships I saw how weak they were in comparison to my Lord's. He reached out to everyone He met. He loved them, He helped them, and He gave everything He had for them even though they certainly didn't deserve it.

I realized that my negative attitude, my competitive spirit, and my apathetic nature have turned off many who've tried to reach out to me, and burden those kind enough to stick around.

But that's going to change.

This week I have taken steps which may seem small right now, but I'm confident will build toward something more. Pray that God would continue to impress this on me so I don't grow tired and give up.

...for quality

Even though my blog has long been forgotten, I will continue to write because, if anything, it gives me the chance to open up and be completely honest about myself...something I can't seem to do out there in the real world.
I'll admit, I've been more open these past few months than ever before; but the truth is I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on with me. I've shared bits and pieces with those closest to me, but I have yet to find someone I can share everything with.
I hate it. I hate lying to everyone and I hate forcing myself to hold back whenever someone asks me how I'm doing.
But it's not just about sharing my deep, dark secrets. Among other things, I long to tell my friends and family just how much they mean to me. I love them, more than they know, but can't bring myself to tell them. What's worse is they start to think I don't care and pull back. They move on and forget about it, and I'm left kicking myself, wondering what might have been had I not been such a coward.
This has become more evident now that I'm leaving UTA and La Madeline. I made a lot of friends in Arlington, but I fear none of these friendships will last because I couldn't be honest about how I felt about them. They probably thought I was bored, when the truth is my heart leapt in my chest every time I saw them.
I want my time at DBU to be different. Even though I'm thankful for everyone I met, I desire quality in my relationships...not quantity. I'd rather have one person I trusted with everything then 100 "friends" who were only familiar with the mask I hide behind. Pray that I find that.
What about God? Does He know how much I love Him? Do any of you? Even though our relationship is between me and Him do I at least act like I love Him? Either way, pray it would be seen more clearly.

...for faith

I consider this an extention to my last post, because it all seems to relate to my inability to stop analyzing ever single aspect of my life.
Before, I applied it to forgiveness and wondered if it was possible to give it without thinking of a reason or an excuse. Now, I'm applying it to my faith in God as a whole.
Is it possible to trust God completely?
For others...yes. I've seen it. For me...I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it resulted from a desire to know or define myself, but at some point I started analyzing every facet of my life, my motives, my relationships, etc. I would tear these things apart, examine every detail untill I could find a reason for it all. So far God has been willing to bless me with understanding for why/how a lot of things have happened, but I fear this has ultimately hurt my relationship with Him. It has prevented me from trusting in Him, to the point where I have to talk myself into fullfilling His will as I know it from studying His Word. I have to outweigh the good and the bad, consider every possible option before I'm finally willing to act on what I know. And if I feel called or led by God to do something I don't understand I panic and try to make a run for it. While I'm running, I convince myself it's just me being an idiot and not really from God, and try to forget it ever happened.
To this I say: ENOUGH!
How can I serve God and witness to others if I let my fears and compulsions rule me? How can I "speak in other tongues" and "heal the sick" if I have to explain it? God exists and works outside my realm of understanding, I need to accept that and just trust Him.
For the two or three people who still read this, please pray that I let go and submit my mind and my understanding to God.

...for compassion

For once, I'm writing because I seek the answer to a question:
how do we know if/when we have truly forgiven someone?

Lately I've found myself constantly defending other people's behavior to my friends, family, and co-workers. I make excuses, saying that there's more going on than meets the eye and we should respect that. I tell my co-workers that a rude employee is probably having a rough day. I tell my sister that our stubborn father had a difficult childhood. Hell, once I even tried to be objective about a group of self proclaimed Christians who think the war in Iraq is punishment for the spread of homosexuality in America.

At first I thought I was doing what Jesus did, I thought I was showing these people love and mercy by standing up for them. But then I think about how Jesus interacted with the sinners he helped/healed/ministered to/etc. and I wonder if that's really what I'm doing. Jesus didn't try to explain away their behavior, He simply forgave them. He knew of their sins and He loved them regardless, while I have to come up with an excuse.

I think I've been taking the easy way out: giving myself a reason to forgive when there really isn't one...except, of course, to honor God's command that we should love one another as we love ourselves.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God didn't argue with Satan and try to place all the blame on him. He acknowledged their sins, just as he acknowledges all of ours...but he loves us just the same. So much that He provided a solution in His son, whose death on the cross wiped the slate clean. We are now holy in God's eyes, so He doesn't have to argue when we sin. We're simply forgiven.

I want to be able to forgive and forget, to let go of all the crap other people put me and my loved ones through. But to do this I've always needed a reason...even if it isn't necessarily true. When I don't or can't think of one, I get frustrated and let my anger eat away at my insides.

Is it even possible to truly forgive someone? If so, what does it look like? Do we actually have to forget in order to forgive someone, or can we remember and simply find a way to let it go?

Any thoughts?