...for God only knows

I want to start off by thanking everyone who responded to my last post; your prayers, your support and your guidance probably saved my life.
I wish I could say I'm all better now, but I'm afraid it's not that easy. It never is, but I've still got a lot bitterness and resentment I need to work through.
...I really thought coming to DBU would be different. When I visited during the summer I thought this school would be a perfect fit for me, that it would be the answer to all my prayers. Needless to say, when I finally arrived I came in with these huge expectations, and when they weren't met I took it really hard. It sounds stupid and weak I know, but one can only take so much disappointment before they fall apart.
Whatever, I don't want to get into another rant about my problems. I just want to say I'm still fighting-even if I don't know why, I'm still healing, and I'm still searching.
Thank you all and God bless.

...for a reason to keep searching

I'm tired. I'm angry. More than anything I just want to throw in the towel and give up.
This past week has been a nightmare, even more so because I flat out refuse to turn to the one who can make it all better. Instead, I've relied on myself to endure these difficult times...and, because of my stubbornness, in just a few days I've managed to undo all the good God has done in my heart, my mind, and my life as a whole.
More than anything I want to fall in His arms and let Him carry me home, but I can't. At least, I won't untill I know for sure that I'll be ok. Even though it's selfish and arrogant of me to want this, I need some assurance that things are going to get better and that I won't always be like this. When I say assurance I mean more than just another promise, but actual divine intervention. I need God to act...NOW.
Will He? Probably not, and I realize He can't unless I continue seeking Him. So...no more skipping classes and church, no more avoiding other Christians, and no more refusing to pray.
But like I said, I've already fallen pretty hard. It would be easier to give up then to start all over again...but I guess I don't really have a choice. Even if I'm mad at God, I still love Him; and at this point shutting Him out isn't even a possibility.
Oh well, maybe He'll actually come through for me this time. Maybe.

...for my "inner circle"

The apostle John, who is referred to as "the one whom Jesus loved."

John, James, and Peter. The three disciples who were chosen to witness Jesus' transfiguration.

The Twelve Disciples who followed Jesus for over three years

The 70 Disciples Jesus called to spread His message in the book of Luke.

The 5,000+ men, women, and children Jesus fed with just five loaves of bread and two fish.

Throughout His life Jesus demonstrates a model of how we are to operate in our relationships, separated into these five circles consisting of His friends and followers.

Upon examining this model I was filled with sadness and regret over my own relationships, because I wasn't able to place anyone in my "inner circle." As much as I've longed and prayed for a best friend, I haven't had one since I was six.

Not only that, but when I looked at my other friendships I saw how weak they were in comparison to my Lord's. He reached out to everyone He met. He loved them, He helped them, and He gave everything He had for them even though they certainly didn't deserve it.

I realized that my negative attitude, my competitive spirit, and my apathetic nature have turned off many who've tried to reach out to me, and burden those kind enough to stick around.

But that's going to change.

This week I have taken steps which may seem small right now, but I'm confident will build toward something more. Pray that God would continue to impress this on me so I don't grow tired and give up.

...for quality

Even though my blog has long been forgotten, I will continue to write because, if anything, it gives me the chance to open up and be completely honest about myself...something I can't seem to do out there in the real world.
I'll admit, I've been more open these past few months than ever before; but the truth is I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on with me. I've shared bits and pieces with those closest to me, but I have yet to find someone I can share everything with.
I hate it. I hate lying to everyone and I hate forcing myself to hold back whenever someone asks me how I'm doing.
But it's not just about sharing my deep, dark secrets. Among other things, I long to tell my friends and family just how much they mean to me. I love them, more than they know, but can't bring myself to tell them. What's worse is they start to think I don't care and pull back. They move on and forget about it, and I'm left kicking myself, wondering what might have been had I not been such a coward.
This has become more evident now that I'm leaving UTA and La Madeline. I made a lot of friends in Arlington, but I fear none of these friendships will last because I couldn't be honest about how I felt about them. They probably thought I was bored, when the truth is my heart leapt in my chest every time I saw them.
I want my time at DBU to be different. Even though I'm thankful for everyone I met, I desire quality in my relationships...not quantity. I'd rather have one person I trusted with everything then 100 "friends" who were only familiar with the mask I hide behind. Pray that I find that.
What about God? Does He know how much I love Him? Do any of you? Even though our relationship is between me and Him do I at least act like I love Him? Either way, pray it would be seen more clearly.

...for faith

I consider this an extention to my last post, because it all seems to relate to my inability to stop analyzing ever single aspect of my life.
Before, I applied it to forgiveness and wondered if it was possible to give it without thinking of a reason or an excuse. Now, I'm applying it to my faith in God as a whole.
Is it possible to trust God completely?
For others...yes. I've seen it. For me...I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it resulted from a desire to know or define myself, but at some point I started analyzing every facet of my life, my motives, my relationships, etc. I would tear these things apart, examine every detail untill I could find a reason for it all. So far God has been willing to bless me with understanding for why/how a lot of things have happened, but I fear this has ultimately hurt my relationship with Him. It has prevented me from trusting in Him, to the point where I have to talk myself into fullfilling His will as I know it from studying His Word. I have to outweigh the good and the bad, consider every possible option before I'm finally willing to act on what I know. And if I feel called or led by God to do something I don't understand I panic and try to make a run for it. While I'm running, I convince myself it's just me being an idiot and not really from God, and try to forget it ever happened.
To this I say: ENOUGH!
How can I serve God and witness to others if I let my fears and compulsions rule me? How can I "speak in other tongues" and "heal the sick" if I have to explain it? God exists and works outside my realm of understanding, I need to accept that and just trust Him.
For the two or three people who still read this, please pray that I let go and submit my mind and my understanding to God.

...for compassion

For once, I'm writing because I seek the answer to a question:
how do we know if/when we have truly forgiven someone?

Lately I've found myself constantly defending other people's behavior to my friends, family, and co-workers. I make excuses, saying that there's more going on than meets the eye and we should respect that. I tell my co-workers that a rude employee is probably having a rough day. I tell my sister that our stubborn father had a difficult childhood. Hell, once I even tried to be objective about a group of self proclaimed Christians who think the war in Iraq is punishment for the spread of homosexuality in America.

At first I thought I was doing what Jesus did, I thought I was showing these people love and mercy by standing up for them. But then I think about how Jesus interacted with the sinners he helped/healed/ministered to/etc. and I wonder if that's really what I'm doing. Jesus didn't try to explain away their behavior, He simply forgave them. He knew of their sins and He loved them regardless, while I have to come up with an excuse.

I think I've been taking the easy way out: giving myself a reason to forgive when there really isn't one...except, of course, to honor God's command that we should love one another as we love ourselves.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God didn't argue with Satan and try to place all the blame on him. He acknowledged their sins, just as he acknowledges all of ours...but he loves us just the same. So much that He provided a solution in His son, whose death on the cross wiped the slate clean. We are now holy in God's eyes, so He doesn't have to argue when we sin. We're simply forgiven.

I want to be able to forgive and forget, to let go of all the crap other people put me and my loved ones through. But to do this I've always needed a reason...even if it isn't necessarily true. When I don't or can't think of one, I get frustrated and let my anger eat away at my insides.

Is it even possible to truly forgive someone? If so, what does it look like? Do we actually have to forget in order to forgive someone, or can we remember and simply find a way to let it go?

Any thoughts?

...for fear

I know this may sound strange, but according to Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge”

We all desire wisdom and understanding, but how many of us actually find it? How can we when “it is hidden from the eye of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air?" Fortunately, “God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells.”
He was even willing to give us a place to start in Job chapter 28, which says “the fear of the Lord-that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.”
Reading this, I couldn’t help but picture several people, all believers, reminding me that God is love and that He promises to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. In short, there’s no reason for us to fear Him because we’ve been saved.
If only it were that simple.
Don't get me wrong, God does love us...more than we can possibly imagine. But whether we like to admit or not, God is also just. It’s not that He enjoys punishing us, but He must because He is holy and can’t settle for anything less in us. Ultimately, unbelievers will be condemned and believers will be held accountable for their actions.
Acts 5 “Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostle’s feet.” Peter knew, of course, and he called him on it, saying “You have not lied to men but to God. When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died,” and later on, so did his wife. After this “great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
Even though there are moments like this located throughout the Old Testament, many disregard them because “everything changed” when Jesus died on the cross. Granted, they did, but this event occurred in the New Testament to two members of the church. They made one mistake, and lost their lives because of it.
Obviously, God isn't in the habit of striking us dead, but when I heard this story I immediately thought of all the believers who have come under fire for some sin they’ve committed. You know the ones I’m talking about; in fact it’s become a frequent joke that priests are caught with either dead girls or live boys.
Every time I heard about a pastor taking money from the church or a conservative politician soliciting sex from a bathroom stall I cried out to God, asking why He would allow such a thing to happen. But I wasn’t thinking about the perpetrators or their victims, I was always thinking about my dad; I was thinking about unbelievers all over the world and how something like this would just turn them further away from God.
But this isn’t about my dad, or about unbelievers for that matter. It’s about us, the body of Christ.
A couple years ago I overheard a boy “ministering” to a friend of his, telling Him that being a Christian is great because it gives you the freedom to do whatever you want consequence free. You could murder someone and still go to heaven when you die.
God can’t allow us to go on thinking this way, believing our actions have no consequence. He has to discipline us in order to help us; and we need to hold onto that truth so that we’re less inclined to sin. Also, it helps us to be better witnesses to the lost, because it gives them a real example of what the glory of God looks like.
I know we can't be perfect, and I know God will love us regardless of what sins we commit. But if we're doing something that hurts or offends God He will make it known in time.
So “fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8

I know I too am guilty of taking advantage of the Lord’s kindness, and I pray He would give me this fear so that I may show wisdom in the choices that I make.

...for humility

"For if God's name is I AM, (my) name must be I am not.
I am not the center of everything.
I am not in control.
I am not the solution.
I am not all-powerful.
I am not callng the shots.
I am not the owner of anything.
I am not the Lord"
-i am not but i know who I AM

We're selfish by nature. We want the story to focus on us, we seek to make our lives and our actions about us. But who are we?
We examine God's Word and look for anything that applies to our lives and our situations, we try to make the gospel about us.
We pray to God and ask Him to meet our needs, we focus on making our time with God about us. But who are we?
We didn't create the heavens and the earth, we we're even there when it happened. Notice, man came after God had already established the world and everything in it. As for you and me personally... we were simply items on God's To Do list.
The attention and the glory of it all so obviously belong to Him yet we continue to take it for ouselves. Why?

I got this book at Passions, and now I can't stop asking myself why I seek to make it all about me. So far, I haven't been able to come up with a decent answer. There's really no excuse for my ego. It's God story, His show...I'm merely a supporting player. It's been a humbling experience to say the least.
Now I wonder "how can I make this life about Him."

...for prayer

"Is there anything I can pray for you about?"
People have been asking me that question for years, but I don't think I've ever given them an honest answer. I would ask them to pray for school, for work, for a closer walk with the Lord...and even though I do need prayer in these areas, there is so much more going on in my life right now.
What kills me the most is that the people I know and love don't have a clue. Hell, I've been called normal so many times I feel like I should jump off a building just to show them how wrong they are.

Tonight someone I barely knew asked how they could pray for me. Nothing new, but when I stepped back I realized something: this person could see through my act, they can sense the pain in my voice and they want to help...either that or it really has become more obvious. Either way I actually had to fight to keep from breaking down right then and there.

My life isn't even that bad when you compare it to the ones you hear about on the news or at school. Deep down, I know I'm blessed to be who I am where I am.
Of course, then I start to think about everyone I know who's sick or struggling and my heart just breaks for them. More than anything I want to help them, to take their pain away so they can enjoy the life God has given them. But I can't or I don't and then...
I hate feeling so powerless.
I'm trying to give it to God and trust that He will help, heal, encourage, provide, and protect those who serve Him but it's difficult when, at the same time, He promises we will face trials and tribulations.
One verse that keeps coming to mind is Acts 17:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
With that said, all I really can do is pray and hope-
pray for my mother, my father, both my sisters and their friends, my future brother-in-law, my grandparents, Kyle, Taryn, Chao, Chad's father, Cameron, Shannon and her friends, Blake's family, Joanna, Saralynn, Stephen, John, Greg, the Millers, the Bartons, the people I work with, the people in my philosophy class, all my aunts, uncles, and cousins...to name a few.
pray for my struggles with school, work, money, my car, peer pressure, my capacity to forgive, my selfish nature, lust, depression, my fear of rejection/failure, loneliness, and my trust in the Lord...to name a few
pray for the world
pray for Jesus to return soon
...or at least pray that the writer's strike would end so I'd have something to take my mind off all these things

...for courage

It's been a while, but I haven't given up just yet.
That seems to be my motto these days. Everything that's been troubling me over the years is finally coming to the surface, and by the grace of God I'm actually learning to deal with them. It hasn't been easy, I've cried more times than I would care to admit, but I'm finally starting to see some of the changes that the Bible talks about once you've surrendered yourself to Christ.
As of right now my greatest concern is my fear of being mocked or rejected for being open about what I believe. I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer ashamed to let people know that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, but whenever I'm faced with questions I tend to freeze up. Even though I'm very active in church and bible study groups, I never invite anyone to come along. While I know how to counter most arguments against God, I tend to shy away when one comes up and just let them continue mocking the God I love. This morning my philosphy professor spent most of the class pointing out "flaws" in our beliefs, and instead of defending myself I kept my mouth shut. I feel so guilty about letting all these opportunities pass me by, especially when I continue to ask God for them.
God has a plan for me, I believe that. So why do I run from it? Why do I rebel against it?
I wish I wouldn't, I pray that God will help me overcome these obstacles so that He can use me, so I can help the people He's put in my life, and so He would be glorified. Pray with me.